No, no, I cannot take credit for the words that follow.
They are the highly poetic, substantially moving
lyrics of R. Kelly (“R” standing for statutory RAPE).
Yes, if it wasn’t ridiculous enough, here, in written
form, are the first three “chapters” (excruciating portions)
of the “rap opera” (ghetto drama fest) Trapped in the Closet. Enjoy.

(Chapter 1 of 5)
7 o'clock in the morning and the rays
from the sun wake me
I'm stretching and yawning in a bed that
don’t belong to me
Then a voice yells “good morning darling”
from the bathroom
Then she comes out and kisses me and to
my surprise she isn’t you
Now I've got this dumb look on my face
like “what have I done”?
How could I be so stupid to have been laid
in to the morning sun
Must have lost the track of time, oh what
was on my mind?
From the club went to her home, didn’t plan
to stay that long
Here I am quickly trying to put on my clothes
Searching for my car keys trying to get on up
out the door
Then she stretched her hands in front of me
Said “you can’t go this way”
Looked at her like she was crazy
Said “woman move out my way”
I Said “I got a wife at home”
She said “please don’t go out there”
“Lady I’ve got to get home”
She said her husband was coming from the stairs
“?? quiet, hurry up and get in the closet”
She said “don’t you make a sound or some ____
is going down
I Said “why don’t I just go out the window”
“yes, except for one thing, we’re on the 5th floor”
Think, think… “quick put me in the closet”
And now I'm in this darkest closet trying
to figure out
Just how I'm gonna get my crazy ass out this house
And he walks in and yells “I’m home”
She says “honey I'm in the room”
He walks in there with a smile on his face
saying “honey I've been missing you”
She hops all over him and says “I've cooked and
ran your bathwater”
I'm telling you now this girl is so good she
deserves an Oscar
The girl’s in the bed he starts snatching her
clothes off
I'm in the closet like man, what the f_ck is
going on?
You’re not going to believe it but things get
deeper as the story goes on
Next thing you know a call comes through on my cell phone
I tried my best to quickly put it on vibrate
But from the way he acted I could tell it was too late
He hopped up and said “there’s a mystery going
on and I'm going to solve it”
And I'm like “God please don’t let this man open his closet”
He walks in the bathroom and looks behind the door
She says “baby come back to bed”
He says “say no more”
He pulls back the shower curtain while she’s
biting her nails
Then he walks back to the room. Right now I'm
sweating like hell
Checks under the bed (bed)
then under the dresser (dresser)
He looks at the closet (closet)
I pull out my berretta (berretta)
He walks up to the closet (closet)
He’s close up to the closet (closet)
Now he’s at the closet (closet)
Now he’s opening the closet (closet, closet, closet)

(Chapter 2 of 5)
Well now he’s staring at me like as if he was
staring in the mirror
She yells, “Honey let me explain”
He says, “You don’t have to go no further”
“I can clearly see what’s going on behind my
back, in my bed, in my home”
Then I said, “wait a minute now hold on”
I said, “Mister we can work this out”
She said “honey don’t lose control”
I tried to get him to calm down
He said “oh I should have known
That you would go and do some bogus shit up in my house
But the Christian in me gave you the benefit of the doubt”
I said “we need to resolve this”
And he stepped to me I’m like “whoa
There’s a reason I’m in this closet”
He says “yeah? What are you talking clothes?”
“I met this girl at the bodja club and she
told me she didn’t have a man”
Then he said “man please I'd kill you if you
didn’t have that gun in your hand”
And then I said “but your chick chose me”
He said “don’t give me that mack shit please”
His phone goes off and then things get a
little more interesting
He steps a little closer I point my gun and say
“I’m not the one you after”
He says “something I bet you didn’t know my man…
Did she tell you that I was a pastor?”
I said “well good that’s better right? Why can't
we handle this Christian-like?”
And I started to put the gun down until I saw his
face still had a frown
She started crying "saying “baby I’m sorry”
Then he said “baby not as sorry as you’re gonna be”
I started inching out
He says “no I want you to see this”
He said “I gotta get out this house, and not
‘til I reveal this secret”
I'm like “what is going on inside his head?”
Then he takes his phone and calls someone up himself
“Hello” (hello?)
“Baby?” (aha)
“Turn the car around” (what’s going on over there?)
“Listen, I just need for you to get right back here now”
He looks at me and says “well since we’re all
coming out the closet
I'm not about to be the only one that’s broken-hearted”
She said “what do you mean?”
He said “just wait and see”
I said “somebody better talk to me”
And then his phone rings
He picks up and somebody says “sweetheart I'm downstairs”
And he’s like “I’ll buzz you up
I'm on the 5th floor hurry take the stairs”
And I'm like “who is this mystery lady that
you’re talking to?”
And he says “in time you both will know the
shocking truth
Baby this is something I’ve been wanting to
get off my chest for a long, long time”
And I said “nigga I'm gonna shoot you both if
you don’t say what’s on your mind”
He said “wait I hear somebody coming up the stairs”
And I'm looking at the door
He says “I think you better sit down in the chair”
I said “I'm gonna count to 4”
“1…”
he says “mister wait!”
“2…”
he says “please don’t shoot”
“3…”
"he says “don’t shoot me”
“4…”
She screams
Then a knock on the door
The gun’s in my hand
He opens the door
I’ll be goddammned it’s a man
(man… man… man…)

(Chapter 3 of 5)
Here we are. The four of us...
In total shock... Me and her.
I closed my mouth and swallowed spit,
And I'm thinking to myself, "This is some deep shit!"
And I said "So you're gonna tell me he's
the one he's been talking to?"
He says, "Yes", I say, "No", he says, "Yes",
I say, "No", he says, "It's the truth!"
I said, "All of ya'll ass is crazy, let me up
out this door,
Because this is way more than I bargained for"
She says, "Wait, I'm sure we can all fix this"
Then I said, "I'm late, plus I ain't gotta
damn thing to do with this!"
But then she said, "Wouldn't you just like to
know how it all began?"
Then I thought to myself, and said, 'Quick,
you got three minutes'
Then it got real quiet, I said, "Somebody start talking"
She said, "My God, Rufus! I've got just one question,
how could you do something like this? I'm so hurt!"
He looked at her and said, "Bitch please,
you've got your nerves
With all your club hoppin', lyin' when you
said you was shoppin'.
And now here you are in our home, and you're
callin' me wrong."
"Okay you busted me! And that much I agree,
you caught me cheatinggg!
But this is a little extreme!"
He said, "You are my wife sleeping behind my back.
And now I come home and you got him in the closet,
how extreme is that?!"
And she said, "But she's a he!"
And he said, "Please, you can't judge me"
She said, "But this is crazy!"
And I said, "Stop arguing!
I did not stay here to hear you chew each other out,
So get to the point, or I swear I'm out!"
"Excuse me, please, but I think I can explain
what's going on in here.
My name is Chuck and I been knowing Rufus about a year,
At midnight creeping around there not staying
around to standing living in hell, sleepin in and
out of hotels..."
I said, "Brother, spare the details!"
Then Rufus said, "Chuck, please! Don't say nothing else!"
Then she screams, "Rufus you son of a bitch,"
He says, "Cathy, go to hell!"
I said, "I thought you said your name was Mary,
that what you said at the party.
Man this is gettin scary imma shoot somebody!"
Then Rufus start yelling and screaming saying,

"Cathy, this is all your fault!"
She throws a pillow at him and says, "You were
creeping too, the only difference is you didn't get caught!"
Chuck screamed out, "We're in love!"
Cathy says, "Love my ass!"
Rufus said they're getting married then I shoot one in the air!
I said, "Not another one of you sons of bitches say a word!
Cuz all this shit I'm goin thru is unheard!"
I grabbed my cellular
I said, "This is so wrong,"
I call up my home,
And a man picks up the phone phone phone phone.....

Best part of Chapter 4:
I kissed her and then we went to the room
Then I turned some music on
Apologized one more time
Then went down and start gettin it on
And she started bitin her lip
Grabbing me and makin noise
Now we makin love and she's my ear whisperin
It's all yours
I said I love you
And she said I love ya, too
Then a tear fell up out my eye
Then I called her my sunshine
And then she looked at me
And said baby go deeper please
And thats when I start goin crazy
Like I was tryin to give her a baby
(It is funny every time ya read it!)

What I am actually listening to and enjoying: Hot Hot Heat's
Elevator. If you like to shake your groove thing, but
prefer rock to pop, check it out. It's good.